Holes

I haven't seen, touched, spoken with my brother or sister in over 10 years... I look at my children, my brother and sister in laws...Nelson and his brothers, Melissa and her siblings... I see the closeness... elusive to me. They touch without touching, and are loyal regardless of worth. I don't even have pictures.. some fading memories. It feels like they are dead, yet I never had the shock and grief associated with death. I feel as if a hand grenade was thrown through that part of my life leaving shrapnel and scars...and deadend nerves. I have in my life family and friends and siblings - deep emotional connection. It is fulfilling but I still have holes. Holes but no grief... I guess that is good. Apathy on the subject actually. Because I don't have them, my own family is so precious to me. I am close to only one cousin- but even there, the eternal warring between our parents have created a chasm between us. We can't be as close as we once were because of the damage our parents are causing -- funny, perhaps sibilings in the bloodline are cursed? We even cancelled a family trip because we didn't want to offend our parents. Must we wait until they are dead before we can resume our relationship? I want my children to grow close to their cousins. I see holes in my family fabric - they weaken what was -- render the fabric of who I am a bit worn. And yet, I have peace in my siblings- gained through life and through Christ. Mike, Rob, Mark, Heather, Dima, Jane, Callie, Karina, Carrie, Jim, Jerry, Nelson, Scott, Carey, Nick... and others yet to come. Still, I pause on birthdays and moments like today. Why do funerals remind me of my siblings? I don't miss them, yet I love them... my siblings, not funerals.
I want to save my children from a fate of distance. I hope my wife can teach them about being bonded to each other - I'll do what I can, but I suppose my own testimony is horrible on the subject.
And yet, if the opportunity arose, I would and will naively run towards both my brother and sister - just for a chance to see their faces, feel them, hear their voices, play with their children... I long for this, yet I do not weep. Is that weird?
I love my sister in laws and brother in law deeply... they fill the gap a lot... but the holes remain. I always want to spoil them, because I have such a distance from my own. I see the strength they have with eachother, I undersetimate at times. Especially when they fight... but it endures. I wonder what that type of love/loyalty is like?

I guess we all have holes. At least mine are manageable.

If I taught a Bible College Class, or 3 Part Deux

Pauline and Johannine Interpretations on Christ - we would explore the greats (spurgeon, grudem, Luther, Calvin, Augustine, Chuck Smith, etc.) and their commentary on various interpretations of Christian living from Paul's perspective and then contrast to the same but from the perspective of John. Source texts would include Romans, the Epistles (Pauls and Johns), The Gospel of John and Revelation of John. Then we would identify where we as individuals are on the spectrum between the two - assuming a spectrum between Paul and John exists. I assume Paul will be more legalistic with highlights on grace, and John the opposite. We will take a look at their audience too, as that is important to differentiate their views. It will be necessary to give a background on Hellenistic culture and Middle Eastern Jewish culture of the time and Roman law.

Called by God to be Small: From Saul to Paul - the conversion and sanctification of a soul. We often look at the Epistles of St. Paul as independent pieces that provide instruction on set of Christian principles. However, the letters also were personal. They contain the emotion and the relationship of Paul to a variety of churches and friends. IF we read Acts, Romans, and the letters in Chronological order- what do they reveal about the man who Paul is? Can we see development in his thoughts, his faith and philosophy? Do the epistles reflect an un-yielding and fully formed interpretation of Christ, or do they present the full spectrum - a natural progression of sanctification? Key points of discovery:
-Roman and Jewish Citizenship
-Romans: Law verse Grace - struggles of the mind
-Ephesians: Mature behavior - "knowing" versus advising
-"Thorn in my side" - perpetual struggles
-Timothy - reflections, advice, imprisonment.

The Bride of Christ: Romancing a Masculine God. Our culture has a strong apprehension for homo-erotic influences in our society. Yet in our own Christian walk, as men we are called to be the Bride of Christ. This is perhaps the only and the most ignored precept of our faith. Let us explore these scriptural mandates in both instruction and parable and see the full extent of the phrase. We will use standard scriptural references to brides throughout the OT and NT and use them as a reference point to model our own relationship with Jesus. We will learn to see the strength in the role of the bride and hopefully respect our own wives moreso. We will review the types of love:brotherly, romantic, and godly and apply it to our own relationship with God. We will look at the idea of submission and of sacrifice. We will explore Proverbs 31 and apply it to our mandate for having a mission based life on earth. We will discuss the masculine concept of God and challenge it ("in His image He made them male and female"). We will also explore the following concepts: spiritual adultery, spiritual divorce, Jesus as head of household, etc. This class could be for married men only or open to all. Perhaps reserved only for students who have demonstrated a strong fundamental relationship with Christ and understanding of basic Christian doctrine.

Where the Feeling Comes From

the heart. the brain? God?

Does it matter? We can feel. joy, love, pain, hunger, hope...

I want to sing from where the feeling comes from.

I spent the day enjoying so many things... morning at Starbucks... with my little girl, catching up with Jerry... then my wife and I strolled through a farmers market...then Sophia and I played in the park... cooked some tamarind chicken, then I caught up with Scott O. at another starbucks... then met the new babysitter, left for a gathering of church peeps... came home, snuggled in bed and watched some Netflix...It's midnight now.

My Jesus, this life is worth all the emotions, good and bad. I do want Heaven, but I am glad you gave me today.

New Year, Same Questions

1. Do you believe in God?
2. If yes, was God created and subject to the Universe or is God the creator of the Universe? If no, how are you sure that God does not exist?
3. Is there a purpose to existance? If so, what is it?
4. Is there a purpose for human life?
5. What happens when we die?
6. What is the soul? Does it exist?
7. What is the mind? Is it different than the soul?
8. What is the secret to love?
9. What is the secret to peace?
10. What do you do all day? Why?
11. What are you accomplishing? Is it worth it?
12. What does it mean to be alone?
13. What is Good, what is Evil, do either or both of them exist?
14. What does it mean to be something (sad, happy, hungry, red, blue, rich, fat, alive, dead)?
15. Do you think?
16. How do you know?
17. Do you have a purpose?
18. Are you Good?
19. What determines if something/ someone is Good or Not Good.
20. Are you powerful? How do you know?
21. What is more powerful than you? Why?
22. Do you pray? Why?

literally Fun, literary

...hope you can keep your pace and peace, perpetual peace is a perfect place to ponder and pontificate, perhaps, proliferate some prose pertaining to pomegranets, purple pastures, and pink people...then, perchance, you may propegate a propensity for providing persistent peace to placate those persons who populate your life... the very principle of it would be your prime purpose.



Alliteration is the very best way to start your day (unless an iambic rhyme comes out to play)

*snort*

Jobs for snobs,
work for dorks,
herds of nerds.

Through the Lense of Yesterday

36... don't remember 36 too well, but I was a father for the first time
35... that rocked, celebrated - truly celebrated -- my parents were able to be there for the first time since age 27.
34... don't remember too much - just my amazing wife... our new business..our new home
33... my wife took us all to the Chart House, Jane made me the best birthday card ever, and Katya put my face on my cake (tres leches)...AND I recieved the entire collection of Babylon 5 videos...
32... did a lot... dancing at Big Texas, dinner with a ton of friends - Jerry Jones told me the key to life (Hanging with others, good peeps = good life) Katya (not my wife yet) sneeks me away to get dessert at Perrys... she spent the entire day with me actually. such a good friend.
31... HUGE dinner... i think all of Clear Creek community young adults were there - including Jerry (lol). Best memory: Jerry jones: Let's go surfing... Sid: I can't surf Jerry: Bro' I'll teach you Tommy: Uh... HOW ABOUT ITS NOVEMBER AND FREAKIN COLD!!! Old dudes tryin to be kids *facepalm. Jerry: you're just jealous.
30... Small dinner at Churascos... Chocolate Tres Leches.... Sonia argues with me over who should pay the check (idiot, I should have let them pay... just think about the interest I would have made on the savings...lol) Phone call from mom: You need to get married.
29... don't remember
28... huh....
27... uh... nope
26... you know family is important... a god daughter in my arms, home made macaroni and cheese, pork chops... and the resounding love and promise of family...a restless heart was calmed by Good O'l fashioned food and a sister deeply loved
...24...Old friends. Spent the entire day walking through the Emerald Necklace... climbing trees, Yours Truly... Sold two of my rental properties for a tiny profit...
...22...hard year... lots of transitions...cathyrn clark... oof... you sure know how to put things in perspective -- one of the most spiritual birthdays ever...
..21... Peppermint Schnapps...yuck Deepa, what were you thinking? A tattoo? Really Matt Cotner? A birthday baked potato bought at the Overoak Pub by Shabnam..call from Karrie Langer --> why do friends have to talk so seriously and be so frank... but so loyal
20... Phone call from a pay phone in the pouring rain... one of the best gifts ever....deeply touched, eternally remembered.
19... The last time I talked to my sister on my birthday
18-17: Veronica, Chris, Peter, Alex... good times... can't remember the specifics... but I have pictures... yes Veronica, you at one time had frizzy hair, and Alex, well you had hair. Karrie -->what do you mean the world doesn't revolve around me?
16: Melanie --> you mean I am not Actually God? Tough blow...The Elam family --> Son go buy a birthday pizza.LOL...
15... hmm don't remember
14...nope...
13...uhuh...
12... Bon Jovi... enough said....

Pax Americana

This country is great, perhaps the greatest ever known. Wake up and give yourself a gut check. First of all, our country, even before 9/11 was supporting the rest of the world... financially: our dollar supports more world currencies than any other, and if we were to stop, those countries would fail.

Militarily: our military provides support and protection FOR FREE across the globe; philantrhopically: more than any other country our citizens provide more $s and volunteers across the globe than any other. We have built other nations, we have built our own. We provide a safeguard agains fascism, nazism, and un fettered monarchies...

We are a light unto the world and yes, we have the freedom to be cynical, lazy, selfish, but it is a minor position versus the greatness of who we are as a people.

And whether the majority would like to admit it, we are a nation built by God, Under God, and for God... by Jesus.

I am proud of this country, proud of being an Eagle Scout, a member of the Army and a citizen. So in your young view that Americans only care about others when they are the others, please think again.

There would be no Europe, if it were not for us. There would be no electricity if it were not for us. There would be no flight, not telephones, no cars, no computers, no cell phones, nor internet. There would be no plastic - yup americans invented that too. Let me continue, China would still be abusing, starving, and massacreing their people, if it were not for our economy and our dollar. 2/3rds of Africa would be dead of starvation, war and plague if it were not for the US. NATO exists because of the US. India would still be a colony if they didn't have our example (read up on Ghandi's influences). I can go on and on... How about the Glory of Christ? No other nation has more churches, more expressions of christ, produces more missionairies, provides more services and charities. We provide teachers who bring Christ with them. Our laws are based on the bible, our legal system relies on it. And new democracies (Russia, India, Iraq, etc... well they model their laws off of ours.) As a nation and a people, being only 200 years old, we've been graced with a lot. I care deeply about our society. I ask that you respect those people who have come before you, those people who cared about things and ideas greater than themselves, those people who not only dreamed of a better society, they helped build it.