Holes

I haven't seen, touched, spoken with my brother or sister in over 10 years... I look at my children, my brother and sister in laws...Nelson and his brothers, Melissa and her siblings... I see the closeness... elusive to me. They touch without touching, and are loyal regardless of worth. I don't even have pictures.. some fading memories. It feels like they are dead, yet I never had the shock and grief associated with death. I feel as if a hand grenade was thrown through that part of my life leaving shrapnel and scars...and deadend nerves. I have in my life family and friends and siblings - deep emotional connection. It is fulfilling but I still have holes. Holes but no grief... I guess that is good. Apathy on the subject actually. Because I don't have them, my own family is so precious to me. I am close to only one cousin- but even there, the eternal warring between our parents have created a chasm between us. We can't be as close as we once were because of the damage our parents are causing -- funny, perhaps sibilings in the bloodline are cursed? We even cancelled a family trip because we didn't want to offend our parents. Must we wait until they are dead before we can resume our relationship? I want my children to grow close to their cousins. I see holes in my family fabric - they weaken what was -- render the fabric of who I am a bit worn. And yet, I have peace in my siblings- gained through life and through Christ. Mike, Rob, Mark, Heather, Dima, Jane, Callie, Karina, Carrie, Jim, Jerry, Nelson, Scott, Carey, Nick... and others yet to come. Still, I pause on birthdays and moments like today. Why do funerals remind me of my siblings? I don't miss them, yet I love them... my siblings, not funerals.
I want to save my children from a fate of distance. I hope my wife can teach them about being bonded to each other - I'll do what I can, but I suppose my own testimony is horrible on the subject.
And yet, if the opportunity arose, I would and will naively run towards both my brother and sister - just for a chance to see their faces, feel them, hear their voices, play with their children... I long for this, yet I do not weep. Is that weird?
I love my sister in laws and brother in law deeply... they fill the gap a lot... but the holes remain. I always want to spoil them, because I have such a distance from my own. I see the strength they have with eachother, I undersetimate at times. Especially when they fight... but it endures. I wonder what that type of love/loyalty is like?

I guess we all have holes. At least mine are manageable.

Through the Lense of Yesterday

36... don't remember 36 too well, but I was a father for the first time
35... that rocked, celebrated - truly celebrated -- my parents were able to be there for the first time since age 27.
34... don't remember too much - just my amazing wife... our new business..our new home
33... my wife took us all to the Chart House, Jane made me the best birthday card ever, and Katya put my face on my cake (tres leches)...AND I recieved the entire collection of Babylon 5 videos...
32... did a lot... dancing at Big Texas, dinner with a ton of friends - Jerry Jones told me the key to life (Hanging with others, good peeps = good life) Katya (not my wife yet) sneeks me away to get dessert at Perrys... she spent the entire day with me actually. such a good friend.
31... HUGE dinner... i think all of Clear Creek community young adults were there - including Jerry (lol). Best memory: Jerry jones: Let's go surfing... Sid: I can't surf Jerry: Bro' I'll teach you Tommy: Uh... HOW ABOUT ITS NOVEMBER AND FREAKIN COLD!!! Old dudes tryin to be kids *facepalm. Jerry: you're just jealous.
30... Small dinner at Churascos... Chocolate Tres Leches.... Sonia argues with me over who should pay the check (idiot, I should have let them pay... just think about the interest I would have made on the savings...lol) Phone call from mom: You need to get married.
29... don't remember
28... huh....
27... uh... nope
26... you know family is important... a god daughter in my arms, home made macaroni and cheese, pork chops... and the resounding love and promise of family...a restless heart was calmed by Good O'l fashioned food and a sister deeply loved
...24...Old friends. Spent the entire day walking through the Emerald Necklace... climbing trees, Yours Truly... Sold two of my rental properties for a tiny profit...
...22...hard year... lots of transitions...cathyrn clark... oof... you sure know how to put things in perspective -- one of the most spiritual birthdays ever...
..21... Peppermint Schnapps...yuck Deepa, what were you thinking? A tattoo? Really Matt Cotner? A birthday baked potato bought at the Overoak Pub by Shabnam..call from Karrie Langer --> why do friends have to talk so seriously and be so frank... but so loyal
20... Phone call from a pay phone in the pouring rain... one of the best gifts ever....deeply touched, eternally remembered.
19... The last time I talked to my sister on my birthday
18-17: Veronica, Chris, Peter, Alex... good times... can't remember the specifics... but I have pictures... yes Veronica, you at one time had frizzy hair, and Alex, well you had hair. Karrie -->what do you mean the world doesn't revolve around me?
16: Melanie --> you mean I am not Actually God? Tough blow...The Elam family --> Son go buy a birthday pizza.LOL...
15... hmm don't remember
14...nope...
13...uhuh...
12... Bon Jovi... enough said....

Last Day In Russia

Not having a cell phone has been surreal, which means that I need to spend more time without one. I have had plenty of time to think of new ventures and how to help take Integris to a new level. Spending time with my family was wonderful. I realize now that the time to put away some parts of "me" and some dreams on a shelf has come. I think its time to figure out how to put more into God, people, community.

Here in Russia people don't smile they walk around with blank stares. I am aware of this because I don't speak the language... so I've noticed. Is it the same back home? Shouldn't we be cognizant of our connection to each other? Smile to strangers because we aren't really strangers? Wave hi and say hello to people we don't know, because in a way, we do know them?

It is a thought.

I also realized that it is better to be the good guy, noble, compassionate, strong, fun... good. Our society has crippled the concept of Clark Kent and Superman. But I think some major healing needs to be done with our concept of what has value, and what is just empty.

Russia is full of beautiful, knock out, georgeous women. But many know it, and it lessens them. God is a crucifix on a necklace here. Icons on a wall, church on Sunday (rarely for most). They look at my interpretation of Christ as a "Cult". Praying over meals - quaint and quirky.

But the people here have Spirit - it resonates here. Like God is saying, I won't let go of you, even if you forget about me. You can feel the Holy Spirit everywhere -- I think its called common grace, or something like that. And those that are religious are also Reverent.

I think we have forgotten how to be reverent. I think we only view the Spirit through seldom moments, miracles, whispers. But the Spirit is constant - an ever present Help. So how can we be more spirit filled as a people?

Russia could embrace our type of Christianity -- I just need a good old fashion barbeque (oh and alcohol must be welcomed, its a cultural thing here) and if the food is free, and the music good, the people will come. And they would enjoy the fellowship and they would discuss and contemplate God and Jesus. It would be a start.

Back home, I think my participation at Calvary Chapel is going to change. I am going to be more out going, more involved and connected... but moreso, we as a family are going to bring some of Russia back with us. A bridge to the Spirit, to reverence of God.

I miss Texas, but it can wait one more day.

I am enjoying the surroundings and the hum of family.

More Vibrant than Yesterday

I miss "us" -- how we used to be. Young. Laughing. Blissfully unaware of tomorrow.
I miss how cold wind used to feel "brisk" and "crisp" -now it feels just cold, and bone deep.
I miss the broken hearts and the long long phonecalls into the night. The bittersweet.
But then again I look back on yesterday through glasses tinted.

Today is more vibrant than yesterday. And I am well practiced at ignoring tomorrow.
I can wear a scarf to fight the aching cold -besides, warming up in bed with my wife is very nice.
A heart that beats a thousand times with love, strong and pure -- is of more worth than a thousand bleeding hearts that broke.
Today I face my future with steady feet on solid ground. With nothing to miss, not even memories

Being Beautiful

it never took much to be beautiful.

It takes a smile and some effort to comb your hair and scrub your cheeks. but most of all, it takes love.

Smile at people. Hug them. Listen and let them speak for hours, without saying a word. Be confident in your own happiness and share it with others. Encourage others to be ok with being happy. Look people in the eyes and make sure to look for the warmth in their eyes.

Touch people. Touch their shoulder while they are talking to you. Get in close and smell them - even if they smell bad, purify them in your mind and make them smell more beautiful than roses.

Love them deeply - even if it will rock their boat because they have never been loved deeply before. Without any desire of romance, regardless of gender, just purely and in an agape fashion, connect and Love Deep....

Let each individual that you meet know that they are sincerely valued by you, important to you, and most of all treasured by your God.

Control your emotion. Control your connection. Be a leader, and teach people how to handle a true relationship.

In English, our word "love" is limited - so for most of us, we reserve it for our immediate families and our romantic partners.

I tell my friends (men and women) that I miss them and I love them. They know the difference between that love and the love that I share with my wife, my siblings, and my parents....

But they know that it is Love.

Loving others makes you beautiful and attractive - and in the process you will be doing some good.

Waiting on Sophia

Sitting up late tonight
Everything is going so right, but I'm feeling just a little bit outside
I listened to the laughter of a little girl playing
I hugged my wife and listened to her breathe

In another world
there lives another little girl, her life became a hurricane swirl
I feel her kicking and I am praying
It's just her mother that she hopes to see

Heartache mixed with joy
the Kingdom plays with broken toys
And all of us angels, we just fly along

Laughter mixed with tears
All the Saints have disappeared
We turn off our tv's and go back to singing our songs.

Talking with Jesus tonight
thank you for my comfortable life, but I'm feeling just a little bit outside
I listened to the dancing of my little girl kicking
I kissed my wife and got down on my knees

Lord I feel

Heartache mixed with joy
the Kingdom plays with broken toys
And all of us angels, we just fly along

Laughter mixed with tears
All the Saints have disappeared
We turn off our tv's and go back to singing our songs.

I close my eyes to dream
I see families as they weep, their children are buried too deep
I felt my daughter dancing
I hugged my wife and drifted off to sleep

Simple Truth

You are loved deeply. If you haven't heard the words or felt the touch of love, then you are not listening to the right music nor holding the right hands.

Noone should die thinking that love is far away. Love is here -- always.

It is whispered in your ears all the time, all day long. Learn to cancel out the noise of a distracting life, and learn to feel loved.

Love others and you will find peace, rest, and sanctuary.

How To Marry A Russian...

Taken from our wedding website... http://sidandkatya.wedding.com


Our Story

How We Met:
As luck would have it, Sid was hosting a business dinner at Perry's where Katrina was the hostess. They shared some small talk while Sid waited on his clients to arrive. Ever the self promoter and go getter, Katrina mentioned that she would love to do some consulting if ever the chance arose. With a "why not" type of shrug, Sid got her contact information. He had work in Russia (Omsk) which would require translation...

How We Got Engaged:
Over the next 9 months they became very good friends... she was the side kick helping him figure out the best romantic dates for the girl of the hour, and he was the "big brother" rescuing her away from drunk boys that she didn't want to go home with... Each one always accepted the other, despite their flaws. It was true friendship. One day, Stacie Yates (Alegria)birthday to be exact (April 26), Mikel Zirulo mentioned to Sid that she thought it obvious and "perfectly ok" for the two to date. And with the simple sweetness that many of us have come to recognize of Mikel's clarity, it all clicked for Sid! He did love her (Katrina that is, not Mikel)! The next 72 hours were a blur. Somehow, including an international fair, some rollerblade wheelie things, a cowboy hat, and some paintings... the two ended up kissing and in love... it would be their only date however... The madness ensued over the next week though. Sid left for an extended trip to New York and various locations in Europe. He stopped in Cartier's and Tiffany's in Manhattan, Munich, and Paris... well to say the least, Sid realized that he was loving his best friend... a person that he knew inside and out, someone he admired and enjoyed... engagement made sense. Keep in mind, he was in Europe, so with a $1500.00 cell phone bill later, he returned to Houston and promptly asked her to marry him. Together they went to Jareds (not Cartier nor Tiffany's) and found the perfect ring. That night, May 14th, 2007, they formally announced their engagement to a gathering of close friends.

Convictions from the Corner

Last night I received a random phone call from a person who needed to apologize for bad mouthing me and lieing about me to others. He demonstrated a lot of integrity.

This person has problems: getting a divorce, no real profession, has a son that is young and will be impacted by the divorce...

He was just testing the waters of church... and the gossip and drama distracted him even more, to the point of becoming frenzied and spreading lies himself.

I've noticed that many of the middle class, educated, employed, young 23+yr olds seem to have a horrible perspective on Christian living.

Instead of grace and compassion, they demonstrate legalism and hippocracy (did is spell that wrong? I just love Hippos)...

They are content to remain in their little bubbles of life examining their own "brokeness" rather than get involved in living relationships with other "broken" people. Key word :RELATIONSHIP, not volunteerism, not advice giving, not mentoring...not preaching, but RELATIONSHIP: sharing meals and fun conversation, crying together, laughing together, going through tough times together...where you both share your personal struggles.

I find it odd, that the "good christian" goes and betrays me to the church, using lies and gossip, while the "bad unsaved soul" feels convicted to act with integrity and honor.

It actually blows my mind at the contrast. I think it is time for some grapefruit.

mmm.... grapefruit.

In retrospect, we are all broken.

I love my life, my beautiful loving family, my fiancee, my kick ass friends, my dogs, my work, and the fact that God continues to bless me and keeps adversity far from my heart.

And this grapefruit is pretty amazing too