Holes

I haven't seen, touched, spoken with my brother or sister in over 10 years... I look at my children, my brother and sister in laws...Nelson and his brothers, Melissa and her siblings... I see the closeness... elusive to me. They touch without touching, and are loyal regardless of worth. I don't even have pictures.. some fading memories. It feels like they are dead, yet I never had the shock and grief associated with death. I feel as if a hand grenade was thrown through that part of my life leaving shrapnel and scars...and deadend nerves. I have in my life family and friends and siblings - deep emotional connection. It is fulfilling but I still have holes. Holes but no grief... I guess that is good. Apathy on the subject actually. Because I don't have them, my own family is so precious to me. I am close to only one cousin- but even there, the eternal warring between our parents have created a chasm between us. We can't be as close as we once were because of the damage our parents are causing -- funny, perhaps sibilings in the bloodline are cursed? We even cancelled a family trip because we didn't want to offend our parents. Must we wait until they are dead before we can resume our relationship? I want my children to grow close to their cousins. I see holes in my family fabric - they weaken what was -- render the fabric of who I am a bit worn. And yet, I have peace in my siblings- gained through life and through Christ. Mike, Rob, Mark, Heather, Dima, Jane, Callie, Karina, Carrie, Jim, Jerry, Nelson, Scott, Carey, Nick... and others yet to come. Still, I pause on birthdays and moments like today. Why do funerals remind me of my siblings? I don't miss them, yet I love them... my siblings, not funerals.
I want to save my children from a fate of distance. I hope my wife can teach them about being bonded to each other - I'll do what I can, but I suppose my own testimony is horrible on the subject.
And yet, if the opportunity arose, I would and will naively run towards both my brother and sister - just for a chance to see their faces, feel them, hear their voices, play with their children... I long for this, yet I do not weep. Is that weird?
I love my sister in laws and brother in law deeply... they fill the gap a lot... but the holes remain. I always want to spoil them, because I have such a distance from my own. I see the strength they have with eachother, I undersetimate at times. Especially when they fight... but it endures. I wonder what that type of love/loyalty is like?

I guess we all have holes. At least mine are manageable.

More Vibrant than Yesterday

I miss "us" -- how we used to be. Young. Laughing. Blissfully unaware of tomorrow.
I miss how cold wind used to feel "brisk" and "crisp" -now it feels just cold, and bone deep.
I miss the broken hearts and the long long phonecalls into the night. The bittersweet.
But then again I look back on yesterday through glasses tinted.

Today is more vibrant than yesterday. And I am well practiced at ignoring tomorrow.
I can wear a scarf to fight the aching cold -besides, warming up in bed with my wife is very nice.
A heart that beats a thousand times with love, strong and pure -- is of more worth than a thousand bleeding hearts that broke.
Today I face my future with steady feet on solid ground. With nothing to miss, not even memories