Holes

I haven't seen, touched, spoken with my brother or sister in over 10 years... I look at my children, my brother and sister in laws...Nelson and his brothers, Melissa and her siblings... I see the closeness... elusive to me. They touch without touching, and are loyal regardless of worth. I don't even have pictures.. some fading memories. It feels like they are dead, yet I never had the shock and grief associated with death. I feel as if a hand grenade was thrown through that part of my life leaving shrapnel and scars...and deadend nerves. I have in my life family and friends and siblings - deep emotional connection. It is fulfilling but I still have holes. Holes but no grief... I guess that is good. Apathy on the subject actually. Because I don't have them, my own family is so precious to me. I am close to only one cousin- but even there, the eternal warring between our parents have created a chasm between us. We can't be as close as we once were because of the damage our parents are causing -- funny, perhaps sibilings in the bloodline are cursed? We even cancelled a family trip because we didn't want to offend our parents. Must we wait until they are dead before we can resume our relationship? I want my children to grow close to their cousins. I see holes in my family fabric - they weaken what was -- render the fabric of who I am a bit worn. And yet, I have peace in my siblings- gained through life and through Christ. Mike, Rob, Mark, Heather, Dima, Jane, Callie, Karina, Carrie, Jim, Jerry, Nelson, Scott, Carey, Nick... and others yet to come. Still, I pause on birthdays and moments like today. Why do funerals remind me of my siblings? I don't miss them, yet I love them... my siblings, not funerals.
I want to save my children from a fate of distance. I hope my wife can teach them about being bonded to each other - I'll do what I can, but I suppose my own testimony is horrible on the subject.
And yet, if the opportunity arose, I would and will naively run towards both my brother and sister - just for a chance to see their faces, feel them, hear their voices, play with their children... I long for this, yet I do not weep. Is that weird?
I love my sister in laws and brother in law deeply... they fill the gap a lot... but the holes remain. I always want to spoil them, because I have such a distance from my own. I see the strength they have with eachother, I undersetimate at times. Especially when they fight... but it endures. I wonder what that type of love/loyalty is like?

I guess we all have holes. At least mine are manageable.

Where the Feeling Comes From

the heart. the brain? God?

Does it matter? We can feel. joy, love, pain, hunger, hope...

I want to sing from where the feeling comes from.

I spent the day enjoying so many things... morning at Starbucks... with my little girl, catching up with Jerry... then my wife and I strolled through a farmers market...then Sophia and I played in the park... cooked some tamarind chicken, then I caught up with Scott O. at another starbucks... then met the new babysitter, left for a gathering of church peeps... came home, snuggled in bed and watched some Netflix...It's midnight now.

My Jesus, this life is worth all the emotions, good and bad. I do want Heaven, but I am glad you gave me today.

Last Day In Russia

Not having a cell phone has been surreal, which means that I need to spend more time without one. I have had plenty of time to think of new ventures and how to help take Integris to a new level. Spending time with my family was wonderful. I realize now that the time to put away some parts of "me" and some dreams on a shelf has come. I think its time to figure out how to put more into God, people, community.

Here in Russia people don't smile they walk around with blank stares. I am aware of this because I don't speak the language... so I've noticed. Is it the same back home? Shouldn't we be cognizant of our connection to each other? Smile to strangers because we aren't really strangers? Wave hi and say hello to people we don't know, because in a way, we do know them?

It is a thought.

I also realized that it is better to be the good guy, noble, compassionate, strong, fun... good. Our society has crippled the concept of Clark Kent and Superman. But I think some major healing needs to be done with our concept of what has value, and what is just empty.

Russia is full of beautiful, knock out, georgeous women. But many know it, and it lessens them. God is a crucifix on a necklace here. Icons on a wall, church on Sunday (rarely for most). They look at my interpretation of Christ as a "Cult". Praying over meals - quaint and quirky.

But the people here have Spirit - it resonates here. Like God is saying, I won't let go of you, even if you forget about me. You can feel the Holy Spirit everywhere -- I think its called common grace, or something like that. And those that are religious are also Reverent.

I think we have forgotten how to be reverent. I think we only view the Spirit through seldom moments, miracles, whispers. But the Spirit is constant - an ever present Help. So how can we be more spirit filled as a people?

Russia could embrace our type of Christianity -- I just need a good old fashion barbeque (oh and alcohol must be welcomed, its a cultural thing here) and if the food is free, and the music good, the people will come. And they would enjoy the fellowship and they would discuss and contemplate God and Jesus. It would be a start.

Back home, I think my participation at Calvary Chapel is going to change. I am going to be more out going, more involved and connected... but moreso, we as a family are going to bring some of Russia back with us. A bridge to the Spirit, to reverence of God.

I miss Texas, but it can wait one more day.

I am enjoying the surroundings and the hum of family.

More Vibrant than Yesterday

I miss "us" -- how we used to be. Young. Laughing. Blissfully unaware of tomorrow.
I miss how cold wind used to feel "brisk" and "crisp" -now it feels just cold, and bone deep.
I miss the broken hearts and the long long phonecalls into the night. The bittersweet.
But then again I look back on yesterday through glasses tinted.

Today is more vibrant than yesterday. And I am well practiced at ignoring tomorrow.
I can wear a scarf to fight the aching cold -besides, warming up in bed with my wife is very nice.
A heart that beats a thousand times with love, strong and pure -- is of more worth than a thousand bleeding hearts that broke.
Today I face my future with steady feet on solid ground. With nothing to miss, not even memories

Waiting on Sophia

Sitting up late tonight
Everything is going so right, but I'm feeling just a little bit outside
I listened to the laughter of a little girl playing
I hugged my wife and listened to her breathe

In another world
there lives another little girl, her life became a hurricane swirl
I feel her kicking and I am praying
It's just her mother that she hopes to see

Heartache mixed with joy
the Kingdom plays with broken toys
And all of us angels, we just fly along

Laughter mixed with tears
All the Saints have disappeared
We turn off our tv's and go back to singing our songs.

Talking with Jesus tonight
thank you for my comfortable life, but I'm feeling just a little bit outside
I listened to the dancing of my little girl kicking
I kissed my wife and got down on my knees

Lord I feel

Heartache mixed with joy
the Kingdom plays with broken toys
And all of us angels, we just fly along

Laughter mixed with tears
All the Saints have disappeared
We turn off our tv's and go back to singing our songs.

I close my eyes to dream
I see families as they weep, their children are buried too deep
I felt my daughter dancing
I hugged my wife and drifted off to sleep